~MAIN HELP SCREEN

   SETUP/EXIT HELP SCREEN

   From this prompt you may elect to enter the SET-UP screen for Jokes
& Quotes or exit the program.

   You can exit the program any time by pressing the ESC key.

   The SET-UP screen allows you to configure screen colors, reset joke
categories, set screen blanker timeout, select/deselect joke categories
and much more.  Feel free to configure Jokes & Quotes to suit your
individual taste.


~MAIN HELP SCREEN
~PRINTER NOT READY

   PRINTER NOT READY

   Your printer is either offline, out of paper, or not switched on. If
you are running from a LAN you may need to print to a network printer.
For instructions ask you LAN administrator.

   If you have checked your printer and it is ready to print select
RETRY to print the currently displayed quote.

~PRINTER NOT READY
~RANDOM SELECT

   RANDOMLY SELECT CATEGORY AT STARTUP

   Checking this option will cause the program to randomly select a
category each time the JQ program is run.

   It will select only from active categories and selects only once.
You may stop random selection anytime by pressing a key.  After random
selection is displayed you may use the arrow keys to select other
categories.

~RANDOM SELECT
~SOUND ON/OFF

   SOUND ON / OFF

   Checking this option turns on the "Clicking" sound made each time a
key is pressed or the mouse is clicked.

~SOUND ON/OFF
~RESTART CATEGORY

   RESTART CATEGORY WHEN EMPTY

   Each category has a given number of jokes or quotes usually between
75 and 200.  (Some more, some less.)  By checking this option the
category will start redisplaying at record one when the last record has
been displayed.

   If you leave this option unchecked the category will go inactive
when the last joke or quote is displayed.   While inactive it will not
be randomly selected and will not show up on the main screen.

   You can replace this category with a new one if you are running J&Q
on a stand-alone system or if running from a network you can tell your
LAN administrator that the joke file is empty.

~RESTART CATEGORY
~RUN DEMO MODE

   JOKES & QUOTES DEMO MODE

   Jokes & Quotes can run as a stand-alone DEMO.  By checking this
option the program will randomly select categories and display quotes
until a key is pressed.

   In DEMO mode the program will pause 2 seconds for each line
displayed plus 2 seconds.  Ex: If a 3 line quote is displayed the
program will pause a total of 8 seconds. Two seconds for each line
plus two seconds. If the number of lines exceeds 13 (Meaning some of
the text is off the screen the program pauses for 28 seconds.  Two
seconds for each displayed line plus two seconds.

~RUN DEMO MODE
~CHANGE COLOR

   CHANGE COLOR CONFIGURATION

   Each time you select this option the screen colors change.  There
are eight different "color sets" to choose from.  The color setting
is saved automatically each time the program is exited.

~CHANGE COLOR
~SCREEN BLANKER

   SCREEN BLANKER OPTION

   You may use this feature to have your monitor's screen go "blank"
after a specified number of minutes.  Simply enter the number of
minutes to wait before blanking the screen.  Pressing a key will
restore the screen.

~SCREEN BLANKER
~RESTART RESET

   RESTART CATEGORIES AND RESET J&Q CONFIGURATIONS

   This option will restore all categories to record one and reset the
J&Q configurations to their defaults.  Be very careful using this
feature.  If you reset the categories you will have to re-view any
jokes or quotes you may have already viewed.

~RESTART RESET
~RESET A RECORD

   RESET A CATEGORY TO A SELECTED RECORD


   This option allows you to reset a given category to any record.
 This can be handy if you would like to see a previously displayed
 record.  It can also be handy when new categories are added.  You can
 use this option to reset the category to zero.

   When you select this option the hi-lite bar will move to the
 category side of the screen.  When you select a category you will be
 prompted to enter a record number for that category.  The record
 number displayed is the current record.  The number you enter is the
 one where display will begin.

   If you go over the maximum number of records in the category it will
 be reset to zero. 

~RESET A RECORD
~PRINT QUOTE

   PRINT CURRENTLY SELECTED QUOTE

   This feature allows you to send the currently selected quote to a
printer.  When you select this option you will be prompted to choose
the port your printer is connected to.  For most computers this will be
LPT1.

   If you have more than one printer or you are printing to a network
printer you may need to select a different port.  If running from a
network ask your LAN administrator for assistance.

   In addition to printing to a printer joke data can be sent to ASCII
text file.  Select Print To File then enter a valid DOS filename.  The
Drive letter and PATH are optional.

~PRINT QUOTE
~EXIT SETUP

   EXIT SETUP

   The option simply saves the current configuration and exits back to
the main view screen.  From the main view screen you may press ESC to
exit the program.

~EXIT SETUP
~RIGHTSIDE

   ENABLE/DISABLE CATEGORY DISPLAY

   This option allows you to select or deselect the display of any
available category.  For example if don't care to view a particular
category select this option.  Now use the ARROW keys or mouse to hi-
lite the category name then press ENTER or click with the mouse.

   When the û is displayed the category can be viewed.  When the û is
not displayed the category cannot be viewed either manually or by
random selection.

~RIGHTSIDE
~THKABOUT

   THINGS TO THINK ABOUT

   This is a specially selected collection of jokes, quotes, and short
stories that bear special consideration.  They offer insight and fodder
for contemplation.  Wisdom is a prize and for anyone who seeks more this
collection will provide much to be pondered.

~THKABOUT
~OXYMORON

   OXYMORON


                   Ancient Greek : Oxus = "sharp"
                                   Moros = "dull"


              Oxymoron...a self contradicting phrase.

          For example: A sharp dullness or a foolish wise.

~OXYMORON
~ONELINE

   ONE LINE WIT

   This is a tremendous collection of "One Liners".  Quotes, jokes,
quips, maxims, wisdom and more all in a single line.

~ONELINE
~TYPOS

   TYPOS

   This is a collection of typographical errors made by professionals
in their field.  Most look like honest mistakes but some kind'a make
you wonder.

~TYPOS
~SELECTED

   SELECTED SCRIPTURES

   This is a collection of selected scripture verses taken from the
King James version of the Holy Bible.  Over 300 scriptures, each
selected for the special message it bears.

~SELECTED
~PROVERBS

   THE BOOK OF PROVERBS

   The is the entire book of Proverbs from the King James version of
the Holy Bible.  The Book of Proverbs encompasses a vast array of
human situations from love and marriage to drunks and thievery.
There are some real gems of wisdom here.

   The first part of the Book of Proverbs is a dissertation on the
merit and nature of Wisdom.  The individual proverbs begin occuring
around record #43.

~PROVERBS
~LAWYERS

   LAWYERS

   Everybody hates lawyers...until they need one.  This collection of
jokes is all about lawyers and the humorus side of their profession.

   Some of these jokes tend to be short stories so be prepared to
spend some time and make sure you use the PGDN and PGUP keys when the
scroll bar appears on the right side of the screen.

~LAWYERS
~LAWSHORT

   LAWYERS II

   This is a second collection of lawyer jokes all in the form of
questions and answers.

~LAWSHORT
~TOP10

   TOP10

   This is a collection of TOP 10 lists from the Late Night With David
Letterman Show.

   These lists were selected from more than a thousand that were
downloaded from the Public Domain, Consumer Electronics Forum on
Compuserv.

~TOP10
~KIDTALK

   KID TALK

   This is a collection of jokes that deals with the child's point of
view.  Easy going fun that any parent can relate to.

~KIDTALK
~POLITICS

   POLITICS

   Whether you're a Republican, a Democrat or an innocent bystander
you're bound to feel the effects of a "Government at large".

   This collection of jokes, quotes and political ponderings tries to
"lighten up" the darker side of our country's leadership.

~POLITICS
~GETNOLD

   GETTING OLD...

   It's a fact of life.  If you live long enough you're going to get
old.  Considering the alternatives, are there any reason why you
wouldn't want too?

   Just in case you're getting old and you havn't quite realized it
yet...Try a few of these to see if they ring any bells...

~GETNOLD
~QUIPWIT

   QUIPS & WIT

   This is a large collection of quips, one liners, and witticisims.
Not a whole lot of wisdom but the fun abounds...

~QUIPWIT
~QUOTED

   QUOTED

   A collection of quotes from many famous and not-so-famous people.
Always witty but not necessarily wise.

~QUOTED
~QUOTABLE

   QUOTABLE QUOTES

   This is a collection of quotes from many famous people with
something to say.  Most of the quotes here are laden with wisdom and
understanding.

~QUOTABLE
~DISORDER

   DISORDER IN THE COURT!  TRANSQUIPS!

   Most language is spoken language, and most words once they are
uttered vanish forever into the air.  But such is not the case with
language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of
court reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every
statement made during the proceedings.

   Court is now in session, and here are some favorite transquips, all
recorded by America's keepers of the courtroom word:

   This file was posted on the Fidonet Mensa Echo by Bob Hirshfeld,
Esq., of Greater Phoenix Mensa.

~DISORDER
~BULBJOKE

   THE CANONICAL COLLECTION OF LIGHT BULB JOKES

   Light Bulb jokes, you know what these are all about... 

~BULBJOKE
~TVAXIOMS

   REAL LIFE IN FANTASY LAND!  TV AXIOMS

   Have you ever been watching a TV show and you just know what's going
to happen next.  You say, "Watch this, he's going to...", or something
like, "You know that could never happen in real life...".  Well if you
have you've been victimized by TV axiom's.

   In the real world 6000 bullets fired at a good guy would probably
have their effect, but not on TV...

~TVAXIOMS
~PRACJOKE

   PRATICAL JOKES

   This is a collection of practical jokes downloaded from various
BBS systems.  The whole collection contained about 600 different jokes.
The ones presented here were the only one's out of the entire lot that
seemed suitable for the public at large.  Many of the jokes were much
too harmful and dangerous or just too disgusting.

   The one's presented here however, offer some fun entertainment or
maybe even some good ideas...

~PRACJOKE
~DOWNHOME

   This is a collection of jokes and quotes centering on the lighter
side of home life and regular folks.  Friendly fun for anyone who's
been a part of family living.

~DOWNHOME
~COOKIES

   FORTUNE COOKIES

   Most everyone's been to a chinese resturant and tried a fortune
cooky.  Some wise, some silly, some right on target.  Well here's
computer cookies at their best.

   Note: The fortune cooky category is different from all other
         categories in that the different messages are selected
         randomly rather than in sequence.  This was done the give the
         Fortune Cookies a touch of mystic.  There are 694 different
         messages to select from so the odds of getting the same one
         twice in a row is slim... but it does happen.

~COOKIES
~ZIPPY

   ZIPPY THE PINHEAD

   The file consists of zippy quotations (from various comic books and
strips by Bill Griffith) from Zippy the Pinhead.  Strange stuff, but 
bizarrly interesting.

~ZIPPY
~REALDUMB

   REAL DUMB PEOPLE

   Most everyone has heard Blonde jokes but not everyone has the hair
color to appreciate them, hence "Real Dumb People" jokes.

   These jokes were originally "Dumb Blonde" jokes but a friend of mine
(Who had black hair) was offended, so rather than waste a great
collection of jokes, those that "worked" were converted to "Real Dumb
People" jokes.  Now the only one's who can be offended are the real
dumb people and hopefully they'll be smart enough not to admit it.

~REALDUMB
~THESEXES

   Men and Women; they were made for each other.  They don't always
understand each other but when they're together, things happen...

~THESEXES
~ASCIIART

   ASCII ART

   From the early days of computing to the here and now it seems the
users of keyboards and monitors have felt the need to express their
artistic yearnings. :-)  With a little discernment and imagination
some common and well known characters can take on a whole new meaning.

   The various faces used to convey messages was born out of the need
to communicate complex thoughts quickly using only the keyboard and
monitor.  When leaving a message on a computer Bulletin Board System
these symbols can add flavor and personality.

~ASCIIART
~INSULTS
   
   INSULT ME!

   Just in case you're ever feeling too good about yourself you can
turn to your computer to put you back on track.  This is a collection
of insults and nags that ought to put a smile on the face of the
slanderee.  Have fun!

~INSULTS
~NICE

   SOMETING NICE

   If you ever feel like you need a lift or maybe you feel the need
to be lavished in praise and admiration just turn on the computer
and have it say something nice to you.

   This collection of complements is just the thing start you out
with the right attitude.  <Grin>

~NICE
~REDNECKS

   YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK WHEN...

   This is a collection of quips describing one of the more "colorful"
characters of our society.  When you meet one you pretty much know it
and if you are one most everyone else knows it.  Have fun!

~REDNECKS
~EXCUSES

   I'D REALLY LOVE TO BUT...

   Have you ever been asked out on a date... but you really didn't want
to go or maybe your Aunt invites you over to play Parchesie on Saturday
night.  What you really need is a good excuse.  So have at em!

~EXCUSES
~SQUEAKY

   SQUEAKY CLEAN

   This is a collection of "squeaky clean" jokes that should be 
suitable to tell just about anywhere.  Whether in school, in church or 
in front your most prudish Aunt these jokes should go over like a 747 
at 20,000 feet!

~SQUEAKY
~LIMERICK

   LIMERICKS

   You've all heard limericks, the cute little rhymes that tell a story
in a few short lines.  Here's a collection of some of the best and most
entertaining ever heard.  Have fun!

~LIMERICK
~DAFFY

   DAFFINITIONS

   DAFFINITION: A definition for a word that more closely explains it's
"real life" meaning.

~DAFFY
~COMPQUIP

   COMPUTER QUIPS & QUIBBLES

   This collection of jokes and quotes is selected for the high-tech
computer junkie.  These quotations will have the most meaning for those
people who are involved in the computer industry.

~COMPQUIP
~TRUTHS

   TRUTHS

   A collection of quotations and stories that express the hidden
truths that lay in the simple observations of everyday living. There's
a lot of wisdom to be seen by one who is looking.

~TRUTHS
~PHILQUOT

   PHILOSOPHICAL QUOTES

   This collection of quotes comes from many of the great minds
throughout history.  They're collected here to provoke thought and
contemplation.

   Many of these quotes will also provoke controversy and rebuke so
in reading them you should bear in mind that all quotations are just
opinions and sometimes are not worth the time it takes to repeat them.

~PHILQUOT
~SEX

   WHAT ABOUT SEX?

   This is a highly unusual collection of quotes concerning the
subject of sex.  Probably not what you're expecting, these quote
come from some of the wisest and most brilliant people in all of
human history.  Many of these quotations date back to the days before
the birth of Christ, as far back as 600 BC.  Take em for what their
worth.

~SEX
~TELLKIDS

   JOKES TO TELL THE KIDS

   Lot's and lot's of really cute and super clean question and answer
jokes.  This is just the kind of stuff to remember to take home to
the kids.  Some of these are really dumb, but that's what tends to
make them so funny...

~TELLKIDS
~IF

   IF

   If this, then that, that's the name of this game.  This collection
of jokes, quotes and quips all begin with a question...

~IF
~NATURAL

   NATURAL LAWS

   This is a collection of some of the natural laws and observations
of human living.  Lot's of fun stuff that more often than not
expresses some real and tangible truth.  You may even have some
natural laws of your own.

~NATURAL
~SECRETS

   YOUNG'S 1861 SCIENTIFIC SECRETS

   As data for Jokes & Quotes this text file was edited to contain only
selected portions.  Only a few of the hundreds of "secrets" in the book
are presented here.  The following was a prelude to the text of the
book.

                             January 1990

   One day, while raiding my parents attic, I came across some old
books we had enjoyed as children.  "YOUNG'S DEMONSTRATIVE TRANSLATION
OF SCIENTIFIC SECRETS" being one of them.  Everyone liked to look
through the old book to see the way things were done over one hundred
and twenty five years ago.
  The problem, of course, was that the combination of age and frequent 
handling were having a disastrous effect on the book's physical
condition. The solution was to copy the book so we could enjoy what it
contained without further damage to the original.
   During the summer of 1987 my nephew (Bob Gravonic) and I copied it
on to my computer.  It's been done as faithfully as possible.  Obscure
items have been copied exactly as printed and many of the  spellings
which you may attribute to copy mistakes are as they were originally
printed.
   While every effort has been made to ensure that what you now have
is an exact copy of the original text, we make no guarantees to this
end.  We definitely do not encourage the use of the remedies or
medicines listed in the text for various ailments and diseases.
   Some of the ingredients called for in many of the receipts may
leave you puzzled.  Join the club.  We don't know where to find "two
scruples of calomel" (No. 344) either.  And we're sure the SPCA would
have something to say about pouring fresh melted butter in a horse's
ears (No. 321).
   My own favorite is number 509, the GOOD SAMARITAN PAIN KILLER which
begins with two quarts of 95% alcohol and one ounce of the oil of
turpentine.
   Our family has had much enjoyment from this curious old book.  We
hope you do to.

Paul Hubbs
Toronto, Ontario (Canada)
January 6, 1990

~SECRETS
~MAXIMS

   DR. FRANKLINS MAXIMS FOR WEALTH

   Dr. Franklins Maxims for Wealth come from a curious old book named
Young's Demonstrative Translation of Scientific Secretes.  This old
book written over 125 years ago contains information still relevent
today.

   The following text was presented as a prelude to the collection of
maxims.  It seems some of the laws of human nature never change.


                          THE WAY TO WEALTH

  "The way to wealth," says Doctor Franklin, "is as plain as the way
to  market." Many men, however, either miss the way, or stumble and
fall on the road.
  Fortune, they say, is a fickle dame - full of her freaks and
caprices; who blindly distributes her favors without the slightest
descrimination. So inconsistant, so wavering is she represented, that
her most faithful votaries can place no reliance on her promises.
  Disappointment, they tell us, is the lot of those who make offerings
to her shrine. Now, all this is a vile slander upon the
dear blind lady.
  Although wealth often appears the result of mere accident, or a 
fortunate concurrence of favourable circumstances, without any
exertion of skill or foresight, yet every man of sound health and
unimpaired mind may become wealthy, if he takes the proper steps.
  Foremost in the list of requisites, are honesty and strict
integrity in every transaction of life. Let a man have the rep-
utation of being fair and upright in his dealings, and he will
possess the confidence of all who know him.
  Without these qualities, every other merit will prove unavailing.
Ask concerning a man, "Is he active and capable ?"  Yes. 
"industrious, temperate, and regular in his habits ?"  O Yes.  "Is
he honest ? is he trustworthy ?"  Why, as to that, I am sorry to
say that he is not to be trusted; he wants watching; he is a little
tricky, and will take an undue advantage, if he can. "Then I will
have nothing to do with him:" will be the invariable reply.
  Next, let us consider the advantages of a cautious circumstances
in our intercourse with the world. Slowness of belief, and a proper
distrust are essential to success.
  The credulous and confiding are ever the dupes of knaves and
imposters. Ask those who have lost their property how it happened,
and you will find in most cases it has been owing to misplaced
confidence.
  One has lost be endorsing; another by crediting; another by false 
representatives; all of which a little more foresight and a little
more distrust would have prevented. In the affairs of this world,
men are not saved by faith, but by the want of it. Judge men by
what they do, not by what they say. Believe in looks rather than in
words.
  Before trusting a man, before putting it in his power to cause
you a loss, posses yourself of every available information relative
to him. Learn his history, his habits, inclinations and pro-
pensities; his reputation for honesty, industry, frugality, and
punctuality; his prospects, resources, supports, advantages and
disadvantages; his intentions and motives of action; who are his
friends and enemies, and what are his good and bad qualities.
  You may learn a man's good qualities and advantages from his
friends - his bad qualities and disadvantages from his enemies.
Make due allowance for exaggeration in both.
  Finally, examine carefully before engaging in anything, and act
with energy afterward. Have the hundred eyes of Argus beforehand,
and the hundred hands of Briarius afterward.

~MAXIMS
